


The Elephant in the Room

by QueenPunk



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Clint Barton's Farm, Domestic, F/M, Fluff, Happy, Humor, Kid Fic, Mentions of Animal Abuse/Neglect, Robbery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-03 18:50:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13347342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenPunk/pseuds/QueenPunk
Summary: Kate comes home to an unexpected surprise.





	The Elephant in the Room

It was a testament to how strange her life was that Kate did not react the instant she stepped into the apartment. 

Before the door had even fully opened, Lucky was crowding against her legs with bruising tail wags and she could hear the happy squeals of her possibly-sugar-hyped three year olds. Clint was in the kitchen, already placing an order for pizza on the phone. 

“Honey, I’m home,” she called, sticking out her tongue a little when he looked at her with a nervous smile. Slipping her bow onto the counter and unclipping her holster, Kate surveyed the the scene in front of her.

The living room looked like a tornado and an alien invasion had taken place--all of the couch cushions pulled off, the decorative pillows her sister had sent reduced to wisps of white fluff, the coffee tables turned onto their sides, the legs of the TV stand had distinct teeth marks that she was unsure had been there before she had left.

All in all it wasn’t the worst the place had ever looked. 

Lucky let out a pitiful whine, blinking up at her with his big brown eye. She quickly relented and went to the fridge to get him his cheese treats. 

The twins had just started doing poor impersonations of trumpeting when she finally asked, tossing a treat up in the air for Lucky to catch, “Why is there a baby elephant in our living room, Hawkeye?”

“Life finds a way, Hawkeye,” he answered with a straight face. The aforementioned elephant in the room picked up a stray remote with its trunk and tried to suck it into its mouth. Thankfully, Perry quickly snatched the device away and wagged his chubby little finger in the elephant’s face reproachfully.

“Lookit, Momma!” Violet yelled, one of her pigtails pulled loose. “Her name’s Smelly!”

“A good, strong name,” Kate complemented, throwing another piece of cheese high in the air. Underneath her breath she asked, “Clint, how in the futzing hell are we gonna take care of this? Why is there an elephant in our futzing apartment?”

“The kids wanted to go to the circus,” Clint started to explain. “And I thought it was one of the nice ones but…”

“We don't have a tiger stowed away in the bathroom, right?”

“Nah, didn't have enough room in the getaway car,” he said with a chuckle.

Smelly reached up and tugged Violet’s other scrunchie off before throwing it across the room. Percy darted after the purple band, picking it up and dashing back to try and put it back into his sister’s hair. He set it on the crown of her head, looking a little puzzled that it didn't automatically turn into a ponytail. Violet shook it off as she attempted to clamor up Smelly’s back. The elephant pushed her trunk against her bottom to help her up in a disturbingly well-practiced motion. 

“Getaway car?” Kate hummed, still not fully comprehending the words. Then, her eyes widened and she set the bag of treats on the counter. “Hawkeye, did you steal an elephant?! Without me?!”

“Hawkeye, I would have called you but the mission was time sensitive. I only had two hours to cram in a rescue before the twin’s bedtime and you were in Sokovia,” Clint defended himself.

Kate decided not to dwell on the fact that their children were accomplices in a crime before they had even started Pre-K--it was inevitable anyway.

“Okay,” she muttered. “ No one noticed, right?”

Clint was silent.

“Right?”

There was a knock at the door, a bored sounding teenager calling out, “Pizza delivery!”

He made a beeline for the door. Violet and Perry screamed as they rushed after him, Violet riding on the elephant's back with Perry guiding her by the trunk. Lucky, distracted from trying to climb onto the counter, whipped around and began barking in earnest as Clint greeted the delivery girl.

“Clint.”

“That's a weird lookin’ dog,” the apparently stoned teenager observed with a pop of her gum. 

Smelly reached up with her trunk to fiddle with the edge of the cardboard pizza boxes. Violet stretched out her short arms and wailed, “I wanna piece, pleeeeeaaaase!”

Perry echoed his sister's sentiment with an equally as loud, “Pleeeeeaaaase!”

Kate snagged Lucky’s collar before he could lick the girl to death.

“Actually, she's an elephant,” Clint supplied helpfully as he handed her some cash.

“That's tight, dude,” she said, firing fingerguns at both him and the elephant. “Thought I was losing it for a second there.” 

“Keep the change,” Clint said with a charming smile, taking the boxes out of her hands while discretely trying to shove Smelly and the kids back with one leg.

As the door creaked shut, Kate released Lucky who lived up to his hero name by lunging for the pizza. 

“What--” She started to ask but was cut off by the increasing pitches of their 'starving’ children. 

Lifting Violet off of Smelly’s back and balancing her on her hip, Kate pointed a determined finger at Clint, “ We’re having a long talk about this later.” 

“Piiiiiizzzaa,” shrieked Perry, falling face-first onto the floor and beating his fists into the hardwood. Smelly sympathetically tugged on the back of his shirt. Lucky danced over his flailing body as he tried to tear the pizza out of Clint’s hands. By some miracle, he always knew where to place his paws so that he wouldn’t step on Perry.

“I’ll get the highchairs,” Kate offered.

“I’ll get the plates and their sippy cups,” said Clint.  
\---------------------------------------------------------

After the twins and Lucky and the elephant had all been tucked into their respective beds, Kate was running a hand through her freshly washed hair and nodding along to Clint's story. 

“Those poor animals‚” she murmured as he finished. “But you didn't explain how you stole an elephant and whether or not you did get caught.”

“We, uh, we kinda got caught because it turns out three year olds have no understanding of the word stealth or how to be still for long periods of time,” he answered ruefully. “But aside from that it actually wasn't that hard--their security was shit. I'm pretty sure the dumbass that caught us was a drunk clown.”

“Lovely. I'm not dealing with any clown nightmares.”

“Oh, no the kids thought it was hilarious when the guy fell on his ass while chasing us and broke his arm. I think we might be raising future super villains.”

Kate laughed a little, “Well, by the time they get around to world domination they should be the next generation's problem.”

“Those poor schmucks,” Clint sighed, shaking his head in mock pity. He tried to keep from laughing but broke when he met Kate’s gaze, doubling over as large peels of laughter punched out of him.

“No. No--but seriously, Clint, out of all the animals you could have nabbed,” she managed to huff out as she regained her breathe. “The tigers, the horses, the dogs--why did you grab the futzing elephant?”

“Well, for one, the kids started shrieking when they saw dear old Smelly. I tried to point them in the direction of the tiny trick dogs that ride bicycles but they weren’t having it. And Mama Smelly--who was in the smallest fucking cage with chains on her legs that place was awful--kept reaching for us. Either she wanted me to take Junior or she wanted to steal our kids.”

A loud crash sounded from the living room. A giggle sounded from a totally-asleep-toddler was followed by a low rumble from a-stolen-elephant.

“You should have left the kids and taken the elephant,” Kate told him.

\---------------------------------------------------------

In an ideal world, Kate would wake up to the warm weight of Clint’s arm resting around her waist. Instead, she woke up to the warm weight of a rough trunk draped over her face as it delicately inspected strands of her hair. Two pairs of tiny feet dug into her back and the front of her knees. To top it all off, she could feel Lucky’s hot, humid breath wafting against her face that smelled like weeks old pepperoni with hints of the wonderful aroma found inside of a garbage container.

“Cliiiiiiiint,” she whined, reaching back to drag the child that was determined to destroy her kidneys against her chest. 

No answer. Either he had his hearing aids out or he had blown the coop to escape their madness for a little bit. Considering he usually told her before he took off, she figured it was the former rather than the latter. Plus, she could smell coffee. 

Once the kids--including the ones that were supposed to walk on four legs--were tucked in, she shuffled into the kitchen. 

Clint had a cup--a large cup that may have once been a soup bowl--of coffee and he was typing away on his laptop. Kate tapped one of his shoulders to let him know she was up before going to her cappuccino maker to prepare cultured caffeine. 

Sipping on their drugs of choice, Kate guessed they had at least an hour of peace before everything dipped into chaos once again. 

Clint continued to type on his computer, frustratingly one handed and with his index finger. Curious, Kate rested her cheek against his arm and peered at the screen. 

“Oh, sign me up for this. I’ll call the babysitter.”

Clint didn't hear her, but got the picture from how she was excitedly slapping his arm.

\---------------------------------------------------------

The circus was shut down. 

Avengers and animal protection officers descended on the big top with all the fury of decent human beings doing the right thing. 

If someone tripped the owners into a pile of manure as they were being carted away in handcuffs, well, no one was really stepping forward to come to their defense.

If in a news segment documenting the rescue caught Hawkguy giving Hawkeye a fist bump afterwards, well, no one could prove that it was related to the incident.

\---------------------------------------------------------

“Nooooooooooo!” wailed the twins, the end of their screech reaching an octave only canines could hear. Lucky joined in with a brief howl.

“Okay, kiddos, Smelly has to go live with her mom n--” Clint tried to say.

“Mommy,” sobbed Perry, blinking his big, wet eyes up at Kate as he clung to Smelly’s side. “Don't wanna send her away.”

“Don’t take her awaaaaaay,” shrieked Violet, looking two seconds away from flinging herself off of Smelly’s back to destroy everything in her path. Her entire face was a bright red and her little brow was furrowed in a pinched expression. 

A baby supervillain is what Kate thought she looked like. A cute baby supervillain even if that didn't bode well for this situation.

“Keep her,” whimpered Perry, his little lips jutting out in a pout. Violet repeated the sentiment, her hands balled up into fists.

Clint looked at Kate. Kate looked at Clint.

Sighing, they both said, “No.”

\---------------------------------------------------------

They lost two lamps, a vase, and the cappuccino maker in the resulting struggle.

Perry cried himself to sleep that night and Violet swore vengeance on both of her parents as she kicked and screamed. Lucky was locked in the bathroom because he kept jumping on everything in all the turmoil, which is how the cappuccino maker was lost. Kate promised to give it a worthy funeral. 

Smelly grasped onto the back of Clint’s shirt and followed him around as he tried to clean up.

\---------------------------------------------------------

“What do you think about buying a farm?” Kate suggested as they lay in bed that night.

\---------------------------------------------------------

An animal sanctuary for former circus animals is how they phrased the purpose of the property, although they did end up keeping a few of the traditional farm animals. Cows, chickens, ducks, horses(most of the horses were ex-circus animals, so they covered both bases), pigs, and a couple of disgruntled goats.

They didn't keep too many dangerous animals around, although there were a couple of elderly tigers that slept in their enclosure most of the time and a brown bear that liked swimming in his pool.

Violet and Perry and Lucky could run around to their hearts’ content without destroying anything valuable and Smelly and her mom were together once again.

Kate and Clint figured this was the most favorable outcome. If this contributed to their kids becoming supervillains, they still considered that someone else’s problem.

**Author's Note:**

> My Hawkeye Squared Twins (should I just call the whole family Hawkeye Cubed?) who may or may not grow up to be supervillians. Here are a few more things about them:
> 
> Full Names: Violet Nathalie Barton-Bishop and Perriwinkle Edward Barton-Bishop
> 
> Clint and Kate forgot to pick out names and due to supervillian shenanigans, both Hawkeyes were under heavy medication (one an epidural and the other a concussion) when the twins were born. Tony wrote down Perriwinkle while they were out of it and neither of them corrected it so the name stuck.
> 
> Their godparents are Jessica Jones and Steve Rogers.  
> \-------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are much appreciated and keep me writing!


End file.
